Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I still have a little drunk in my system
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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