my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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