I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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