She announced her abortion via fbk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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