I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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