I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
