Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My penis needs a shock collar
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
