Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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