I'm eating all of the evidence.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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