I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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