I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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