You smell like stripper and shame
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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