VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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