I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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