you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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