Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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