you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
