I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
