Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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