I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
