I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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