Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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