I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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