And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize