Got a toothbrush?
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
