You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
