i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
