dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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