four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
