mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
