Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
