i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
