Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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