Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
