My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
