I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Blow job season was short but glorious.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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