i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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