I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
