maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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