I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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