I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
