don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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