I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
