were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
