If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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