ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
