So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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