If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
