I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
