Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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