There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
