Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
