ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
