The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
