3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
