i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
