There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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