Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
