Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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